he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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