turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
