My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
