Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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