hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
