Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
