he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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