She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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