They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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