I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
