Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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