I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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