Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
