He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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