you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
