then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
