the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
