You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
