I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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