After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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