: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
