is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
