I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
