I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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