So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
