My sheets look like a crime scene.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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