I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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