I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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