did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
