I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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