She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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