i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
