At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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