Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
