he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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