I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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