omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Randomize
