are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
