shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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