is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
