I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just found puke in my bra..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
