I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize