I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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