Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
