tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
