At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
