there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
