i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We had sex on a dog bed..
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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