Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
