She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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