And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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