I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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