Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
