don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
