im having a threesome with these popsicles
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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