Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
