i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
