"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
