Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dignity is for republicans.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
