he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
