when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
