you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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