Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
