It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
