This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
