He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
