I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
